Hurting

We got home Tuesday morning and things hit home. As if Monday things didn't. Crazy thing is....last week, last month, three months ago, etc. Mike and I....along with Tinkerbell, Harmony, and Dallas were the only ones who lived here in this house. So why is it that it seems so lonely here now?! This house feels empty. Mike and I feel it both. We are thankful to have each other of course.....but we feel empty inside. Lonely. Hurting. All of those emotions. All at the same time. We kinda walk around like zombies. Zombies that are trying to be here for each other....and talk to each other....but it's kinda hard when you are dealing with the same thing.

Mike is taking it alot harder this time than the last two. He saw more and I am sure felt more this time. He has been feeling very down and I am trying my best to pick him up. I am also feeling down. And my body is sore. And I feel cramps all day. And it sucks. We feel LOST.

AND....Mike's brothers girlfriend is having their first baby today. It's a very exciting time for them. Their first child together. Our new niece is being born today. I feel selfish. We don't know if we can bring ourselves to go to the hospital today. We are very happy for them. We know they are very excited today. But God has some really bad timing. We said goodbye to our baby girl on Monday....and they say hello to theirs today. Talk about having something right there in your face. I know we will come around....but we need our time to grieve too. Is that selfish?

My old youth minister from a couple of years when I was in High School sent me this scripture.... and I really like it.....

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

We don't get it. This whole situation we are in...AGAIN. I don't understand why this is happening.... it makes me angry...and sad. But I guess we need to remember....God is in control...and we need to acknowledge Him.....and he will get us through this.

Ava Lynn Cruz

I am sure that most of you are aware of what has happened. For those of you who don't....this has been a really bad week for us.

Monday started off with a trip to the doctor because of unusual discharge. The doctor did a pelvic exam and reassured us that the cerclage was in place and that I needed to take it easy.

Tuesday started off with a trip to the hospital because I was leaking so bad we needed to make sure my sac wasn't leaking. The liquid was tested and came back negative for amniotic fluid. Ava's heartbeat was strong and I was told to go home and take it easy. In the meantime...I am starting to feel small cramps come and go.

Wednesday started off with another trip to the doctor for an ultrasound....at which time they discovered that my cervix had pretty much thinned out and the cerclage was the only thing holding the baby in and I was ordered to complete bedrest. Still feeling some cramping.

On to Thursday.....I was woke up in the middle of the night by small contractions.....that continued to increase in length and strength....and by 5 am I was pretty concerned. I woke Mike and and told him we needed to go back to the hospital because I was having contractions. And once we got there they finally admitted me. I was told that no matter what...I would probably not be leaving until the baby was born.

They tested the fluid again and it once again was negative. Then they FINALLY did some blood work....which showed I had an infection. They gave me at least 4 shots that day and 4 pills to try and stop the contractions. Nothing really worked.

Friday morning I was told that the infection was in the uterus and that there was nothing they could do to stop it. They had to induce me...otherwise the infection could harm not only the baby...but myself included. Ava Lynn Cruz was born February 20th, 2009. She weighed 1 lb 3 0z. and was 11 3/4 inches long and because she was only 23 weeks old she couldn't survive.

We don't know where to go from here. We are devastated. And I mean DEVASTATED. We came so close this time. I am writing this and I am still in the hospital. I go home tomorrow without her and I am soooooo upset and angry. It's NOT fair. Mike and I wanted this baby so much....as we did the last two. WHY?????????

I just need to go ahead and end this now. Probably not the best time to write on my blog. We will have a graveside service for her down in Wharton on Monday, February 22, 2009 at 2pm at Evergreen Cemetery. She will be laid to rest next to her Pops.

One of Mike's cousins wrote this on his myspace page.... GOD'S nursery is where she will play now.

I know that she is in the best place ever.....but our hearts hurt for her. She was beautiful and we miss her very much.

Half way there......

Well I am now 20 weeks along! Yay for Baby Ava!!

I had a doctors appointment yesterday and all went well! Her heartbeat was strong and she has been moving around like crazy! I am also starting to "feel" pregnant....which means I am starting to expand a little. LOL So far I have not gained any weight.....which is okay for me because I really need to watch that. I have another doctors appt. in two weeks...and it will be another ultrasound. Because I had the cerclage put in....I am pretty sure they will be doing an ultrasound once a month at least to make sure everything is closed still.

Mike and I have already started getting the nursery together! We bought a baby bed....which is already put together....and we already bought the dresser to match! It was a great bonding experience for us putting the bed together! We are just so excited that things are going well...and we pray that all will continue to go well.