2/20/2010

A year ago today I was admitted into the hospital for the remainder of my pregnancy. I had no idea that the next day would be the end of my pregnancy. I had hoped that I would be there in the hospital for another couple of months. God had different plans.

Tomorrow marks one year since we lost Ava. If she would of survived we would be celebrating her 1st birthday. We would have enjoyed a full year of laughs and firsts and all that wonderful stuff that comes with being a parent. But God had different plans.

Instead....... we had another year of celebrating other parents "firsts". We sat on the sidelines and watched others around us....some up close....and some from a distance.....celebrate the things we wanted to be celebrating. And I dont just mean from the sidelines.....we participated too. We encouraged when we could.....we praised when we could.....and on the days we couldn't....we kept our distance. Cause it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that those "firsts"....are so important to those parents. And being supportive of others is something I feel is extremely important.....but to be honest with you....my heart wasn't always in it. Sometimes we had to fake it. There are days when I really wanted to run from alot of things. But God had different plans.

Eventhough I am going on 26 weeks pregnant.....I STILL have a hard time on bad days. We are still waiting for our "firsts"......and right now....besides the faith we have in God.....we are still empty handed at this point. Tomorrow is a reminder of a day in my life that I wish had never happened. But it did. And all we can do is realize how far we have come in one short year. Mike and I never gave up hope that God does have a plan for us. We just haven't been crazy about his plan so far. But we know that no matter what....God does have a plan for us.....and it is on his terms.....on his time....not ours. So here we are....2 1/2 years after we found out the first time I was pregnant....3 babies lost.....and hoping still that God's plan will NOT be different from ours this time.

We remember and miss you Ava Lynn.....