October 30th, 2008

I received some bad news this morning. My Aunt Dorothy passed away today. My Aunt Dorothy was my dad's sister....and also one of my favorite aunts!

I was called a couple of days ago and informed that things did not look good for her. I was fortunate to see her at my mom's wedding back in August....but before that it had been YEARS. And I mean years. Life gets busy.....and unfortunately....time gets away from all of us. She lived in Kerrville and we just hadn't made it down there for a visit. I regret that very much right now.

She was a special lady. A very special lady. I have so many fond memories of her from when I was little. It's so strange because I don't remember alot of visiting aunts and uncles from when I was a kid....but I remember soooooo much from my visits to their house. Strange things too. Like the smell of bacon in the morning when she was making us breakfast. And these little mints that came in all sorts of colors that she would always have at her house. And playing Nintendo at her house. As a matter of fact....they had a subscription to Nintendo magazine and I remember seeing that at her house....I begged my parents to get me that magazine subscription...and they did that following Christmas. =) I remember playing in their back yard in the little stream that ran back there.....and going up the hill behind their house on adventures (when I was little I thought it was a mountain). Good memories and good times in Kerrville at my Aunt Dorothy & Uncle Frank's house. Eventhough I haven't seen her much lately....I sure am going to miss her. I have cried alot today....which kinda caught me off guard a little bit. I mean...I know I lost a loved one today....but it seems like much more than that. I lost another part of my dad today too. She was his sister....the only sister he had that was still alive (my dad had 4 sisters total)....and now she is gone. All that is left of the Toney siblings is my Uncle Robert. It seems that they have all passed on way before their times.

Like I stated before...she was a special lady. And I am REALLY going to miss her. I do know this...she is in a much better place...and she was greeted by her parents, her sisters.....and last but not least....her baby brother...my dad.

Venting

This is kind of out of the blue. I haven't really blogged much lately. But for the past few days I have been feeling kinda down. Don't get me wrong....life is good....I feel blessed.....but there is something inside that is still bothering me. Does that make sense?

This year has been a pretty tough year for Mike and I. Alot of ups....followed by alot of downs. The good news is....we have made it through those times together. I know that I can depend on him for anything....and I really hope he feels the same way.

That being said.....Does anyone ever feel like God is testing them?? I mean....I know that God is good. I know that he is loving. But man....I have been feeling lately that he is just throwing everything in my face. I do not plan on going into to detail about what I am talking about. If you figure it out....then you figure it out.....I just don't plan on coming out and saying it. I mean....I feel like everywhere I turn....several things in my daily life...are filled with things that are hurting me. It's so hard to stay positive....to stay polite.....to be truly sincere....although I am. I have found that it IS possible to feel two completely different emotions at the same time. It is possible to be happy....and also sad. At this very moment in my life...I have soooo much to be thankful for. I really do. But I am still struggling with some of my feelings. I feel like screaming at people sometimes. I mean.....does anyone know how I feel??!! And NO....it's not all about me....but geez....I am expected to be happy and upbeat for everyone else.....is it to much to ask to have the same consideration for my feelings too? Probably so. And let me tell you why. UNLESS you have been through what I have been through....you will never understand it completely. I don't mean that in a rude way. I am just being honest. You can try to understand. But trust me when I say....you really have no idea. I know this because I use to be one of those people to. I tried to understand....but like any life lesson....unless you have been in that situation...you can't understand it completely.

Basically I needed to vent today. I do feel that God is testing me right now. I also know that I have to keep my faith and trust in him. I have seen this saying many times.... "I know that God will not put anything in my life that I can not handle....I just wish he didn't trust me so much!!" Well there you go.....that sums everything up....why on earth does he trust ME so much??!! =)